Understanding Suicide

Suicide is not a topic we like to talk about. The sudden loss of a loved one is painful enough but to know that the loss was deliberate is and can be devastating beyond words. Suicide is not something that I was afraid to talk about. You see, I have worked in various fields where human suffering is very common. I have also volunteered in similar area, a fact that gave me an openness to discussions on subjects that we tend to shy from or avoid all together.

I must admit that I had always considered myself emotionally able to deal with most things. I have received training that armed me emotionally to handle human crisis throughout the various charities and work I have done. I also believe that I was able to judge situations beyond the obvious, in other words I was good at reading between the lines. As a volunteer helping victims of crime, abuse and those living with HIV: I have learnt to notice the unspoken to get a clearer picture of what lies beneath in providing the necessary help to a victim.

What I hadn't bargained for was how much all these knowledge and experience was going to be put to the test in the most surprising of ways this year. I remember the day as though it was yesterday, I was working the late shift as usual and I was pregnant. It was early days of my pregnancy and as any prospective new mum, my head was filled with details about the growth of this child inside of me; is it really the size of a grape?! That evening I took my lunch break and went for my usual stroll around the office block. Our offices are in the centre of the city overlooking the river Avon. I enjoyed my lunch time walks as it gave me a chance to stretch my legs, something highly recommended during pregnancy, and switch off from work related matters for the hour. I also love how serene and calm it is in the night by the river, the restaurant lights reflecting on the still water as the anchored boats gently sway. I sat by a bench and admired the view while my mind occupied itself with baby stuff.

My lunch break was nearing its end so I got up from the bench and slowly made my way back to the office. As I walked back I noticed a man with both his hands on the metal railing erected along the river as a security measure to prevent people from falling in the water. I found it strange for anyone to be on the other side of those railings even though he looked 'comfortable'. My immediate thoughts were that he was drunk or high on drugs and I didn't want him to do anything stupid like jumping in the water. So as I neared him I said 'Hello" to which, he turned and looked at me. I noticed he was young, maybe in his early to mid twenties, oriental looking. He said "Hi" and I asked "You are not going to jump are you?" He said "Of course not! I am listening to music" pointing at the headphones in his ears which, I must admit I hadn't noticed till then. The way he spoke was as though he was 'insulted' by my question. Ironically his response and its mockery tone put me at ease. I established that he was certainly sober, very articulate and I felt foolish to have asked the question.

I kept walking, leaving him where he was. As I returned to the office I thought how odd of young people these days; maybe there is another weird craze he was taking part in where you listen to music in odd places! I told my colleague about my encounter and we shook our head and got on with the work. Moments later our security guard came to our office talking about CCTV cameras and something about the police. I was in the middle of typing something so my colleague volunteered to go with the guard to see what was going on. She returned with a police officer who was interested in my earlier encounter with the young man by the river. I recited the events to him, slightly puzzled and concerned by his enquiry. I asked him if there was a problem but before he could answer, a loud voice bellowed from his walkie-talkie "We will continue with the search and rescue for a bit longer". He had to tell us what happened. You most likely have already guessed; the young man jumped into the dark, cold water!

It turns out, shortly after I was out of his sight, he jumped! The jump was witness by a passer-by on the other side of the river and the splash also seen by a guest in a near by hotel! I was stunned! I gave the statement to police and showed them where he was when I last saw him. The river was busy with police rescue boats and large torches searching for the young man. The divers were still looking when we finished our shift early hours of that morning. I left the office having sent an email to my manager explained what had happened overnight.

On my way home, I kept replaying the conversation I had with him. Could I have stopped him? I blamed myself for missing signs; if only I have seen the signs I could have saved him! I spent the rest of that day wondering about this stranger; who was he? Why did he do it? Why didn't I stop him? on and on. Later that day a friend on Facebook, who happened to work near my office, posted a link confirming that a body was recovered by the river. He had been found!

I spent the next few days searching the internet for any update on him. I wanted to know his name, if he had family, what was going on in his life to make him jump and everything else I could think of. The truth is that none of these answers would have made a difference; he was dead! I had to also make peace with myself in regards to his suicide as I could not afford to get stressed or depressed in my pregnant state.

I examined a lot of things I thought I knew about suicide and came to the same conclusion: Once someone decides to end their life, there is nothing you can do to stop them! This realization was not exactly knew to me however in the past, I had a small window of doubt. I believed that surely there is always hope, always something that can be done. There really isn't.

I never knew the young man's name or anything else about him. No more updates were given publicly since his death. In a bizarre twist of fate, a few months later I experienced another suicide! This time it came much closer to home! A dear friend of mine, who also happened to be one of my bridesmaid and an ex lodger, went missing. Her disappearance was very surreal as it was very uncharacteristic of her to vanish. Miriam was a tenacious, no nonsense, clever, exuberant, sarcastic and vibrant young lady. She had the Spanish passion and a raw determination, which shone through everything she did. She was missing and both the police as well as her friends/family were looking for her. It was something I never imagined happening!

I started to wonder where she could have been and why was she not responding to calls and text messages. Days went by and as we desperately shared the police missing persons appeal on social media, we started to fear the worse. I thought that maybe she had gotten into an argument with some racist/homo or Xenophobic person(s) and s/he didn't like what Miriam had to say so they attacked her. Maybe she was wondering around somewhere with a concussion which caused her temporary memory loss or maybe this or maybe that, anything other than death!

A few days later I received an update from her sister confirming that Miriam body had been found. Miriam had not just died but she had taken her own life; she jump off the Avon gorge bridge. When I say nothing could have prepared me for this, I do mean absolutely nothing! Miriam was THE last person I would have ever imagined to take her own life but she did just that! My mind replayed every Facebook post she had posted leading up to her disappearance and I wished I had called her or texted her and I wondered why she didn't get in touch if she was in such desperate state and on and on it went.

Just like the stranger by the river, Miriam's death brought a deeper understanding in me with regards to suicides. I was also surprised by the number of people who are my friends (or friends of friends) on Facebook who shared privately, their own personal experiences with suicide. What I know for certain is that there is no suicidal 'type'; anyone could commit suicide. Once someone has reached the decision to take his/her own life, there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop them unless you physically happened to catch them in the act. Suicide doesn't always precede depression. Sometimes there are simply no warning signs. A suicide will never make sense no matter how hard you try. You never stop blaming yourself especially if the person was very dear/close to you but blaming yourself is pointless.

Suicides are planned meticulously, this is something that struck me in hindsight. The day I spoke to the young man by the river, I noticed his earphones when he pointed them out. What struck me afterwards is that he couldn't have been listening to music! When I spoke to him, I did so in a calm voice so as not to startle him in case he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs or both. He heard me straight away and he never had to adjust the volume of whatever music he claimed to be listening to or even ask me to repeat myself. This led me to believe that although he had the earphones on, he was not in fact listening to anything. So why have them at all? I realized that he must have taken into considerations the time of day it was, the chance of someone seen him before he jumped and had pre-emptive measures in place to ensure that nothing was going to interfere with his plan. I have found out since that this meticulous planning is a factor observed in almost all suicides. No one commits suicide at a time and place where the risk of been seen or interrupted is high; it is always say when no one is home or late at night when everyone is asleep and so on. This is why once the decision to commit suicide is made, there is nothing anyone could have done because the person would have taken into consideration any factors which, would have given the other a chance to interrupt/stop the suicide. Furthermore, s/he would have put measures in place to ensure such factors are eliminated as much as possible.

I decided to share this experience for a few main reasons really. Firstly, if you are experiencing hardships and are contemplating suicide as you read this entry, please don't. It might seem like there truly is no other way but there is! I am not going to promise you that life ahead will be filled with sunshine and rainbows or that everything will be okay, as that would be a lie because I simply do not know what's ahead. What I do know for a fact is that life is challenging and sometimes it sucks and sometimes it seems to never stop sucking but it does stop. It has to because everything has to change. It's the law of life! Even if you did nothing, winter will pass and summer will come again; things simply have to change. Your current situation(s) will also come to pass.

If you are someone like Mirriam (or the majority of the people on this planet), who loved people, helped others, fought for what was right and was genuinely a good decent person then we need you. This world needs more caring souls now than ever before. If you believe that everyone is better off without you, you are wrong! Losing you will be a loss to us all, so please stick around.

The other thing I wish to share with you is my own person reason for sticking around even when my life seemed pointless. You see, no matter how dire and desperate life gets, you have more tools at your disposal than you might realize. You have the advantage of familiarity. What I mean is that you know this planet, you know your area, you know how things work and so forth. Killing yourself is putting yourself in the unknown. That idea may seem comforting but what if the other side is worse than here? What if it sucks even more? I am not trying to scare you, well in a way I am but I am asking honestly. The fact is that no one knows really what it is like on the other side. We hope and pray that its all eternal happiness and joy but we do not know for a fact. Do you really wish to plunge yourself to an existence you cannot return from but which there is no certainty that it will solve anything anyway? I am aware that this logic might be perceived as 'bizarre' but if it does deter even one person from suicide attempt, then I don't care how it is perceived.

I can promise you one thing: there is nothing new under the sun. Whatever you are going through someone else somewhere has been through it. The details may be different but the general core of the matter will be the same. You have a way of finding a solution to whatever is happening if you gave it a chance. Always remember that there is always someone out there looking for help and someone else equipped and qualified by life experiences ready to help. You are that someone to someone else just like there is that someone for you.

Secondly, if you have experienced suicide in your personal life and you are still blaming yourself, please stop! There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to stop your loved one from committing suicide. If you are searching for the reasons why s/he did it to make sense of it all, I can tell you that it NEVER makes sense. I can also tell you that you are not alone. Sadly the rate of suicides is increasing every year in the UK. If you are struggling to cope, please reach out for help. Do not be a hypocrite; do not wish for your loved one to have opened up to you about his/her struggle and yet choose not to open up about yours to someone who can help you.

Finally, if you know someone who is talking about suicide or ending their lives even in a seemingly 'joking' way, please reach out to them! Wherever there is dialogue, there is a chance. When the decision to end one's life is made, the opportunity for dialogue closes! So for as long as someone is talking about it and therefore thinking about it, there is a chance to help them before they reach the decision stage. It is therefore crucial to be alert to what is been said as it could be the only call for help someone gives before taking their life. Also note that some people use humour as a call for help so a joke might actually be someone's SOS.

We have already seen that not all suicides come with signs or even dialogue. So what do we do? All I can suggest is that we actively be kinder to one another. It is true that "everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about" so let's lighten our struggles with little more kindness and understanding.






For help please see below: 

Samaritan's Suicide Helpline (24 Hours, 7 days a week) - 116 123

Mind (the mental health charity)-Suicidal feelings

SupportLine-Problems: Suicide: Advice, support and information